The Cycle of Change is The Cycle of Life

​​​​​​No, not the Circle of Life - that’s Lion King.

When it comes to Change, there are two types: ​

1. Change that You Initiate
2. Change that is Forced Upon You from Life.

   
   

   Examples of Change People Initiate are:​

   • Deciding to end a relationship
   • Deciding to change careers
   • Deciding to improve one’s health
   • Deciding to overcome some aspect of themselves (maybe something like working on their anxiety, depression, a person’s shyness, a person’s ability to communicate well, etc)
   • Deciding to start a new hobby they think they might like but will take time and effort
   • Deciding to have a child

Examples of Change forced upon you from life include:​

• Someone you’re in a relationship deciding to end a relationship with you
• Getting laid off
• A disease or injury that wreaks havoc on your life and health
• Feeling overwhelmed with some aspect of themselves that feels like it's not fair - something like anxiety, panic attacks you’ve never had, dealing with depression after a major life event, your shyness, etc)
• Losing the ability to do something you enjoy (maybe you are feeling “too old” to do something that you used to do with ease).
• Finding out that you’re pregnant when you weren't expecting it

In both instances, Life Disruptions, either initiated by you or from outside of you, go through a predictive Cycle.

This cycle is as predictive as any other aspect of life, and yet too often we resist.
I’m hoping that after this email, you choose not to resist as strongly.

The Cycle of Life ​

This is the Cycle of Change, which inevitably leads to “The Cycle of Life.”
The Cycle of Change is super easy to understand, as it’s only 3 Steps that Repeat themselves over and over and over, again and again and again.

Phase 1: Stability

​Phase 2: De-Stabilization

​Phase 3: Re-Stabilization

Phase 1 is where you feel good. You’re in a good place - maybe in your career, or with your health, or with your relationships, etc. You feel stable and you feel good.

Phase 2 is when Change occurs, either through your own efforts, or through the inevitability of Life “happening” to you.

This is by far the hardest phase and the one where most people have the most issues.

The reason for this, is due to a multitude of reasons, but at the end of the day, there are two major reasons why Change is Hard: ​

​1. You don’t want to accept reality as it is, and therefore, don’t accept the change (this is more the case when Change is forced upon you from life).

​2. You have to put in more work, for LESS reward (this is more the case when you Initiate Change).

Side, but Important Note before Continuing: ​

​There are really only 3 Things that People Want in Life: ​

1. Peace of Mind
2. Solid Connections with Other People
3. Excitement

   
   

   In our society, excitement is often the antithesis of Peace of Mind, and Connections can disrupt both Peace of Mind and Excitement, or add to them, but having all 3 simultaneously, on a consistent basis is the goal of everyone, all the time. This is important when explaining the concept of Change because, Change inherently disrupts one of these 3 goals.

   
   

   Side note, part 2: ​

   When I say Peace of Mind, people conjure an image of a Buddhist Monk sitting in a cave meditating.

   
   

   What I mean by Peace of Mind, are the underlying reasons why we have nearly any goal in our life.

   
   

   Why do we want that promotion at work?

   So that we can feel valued and we can make more money and feel more secure at work, which gives us more control, which in that increased sense of control, gives us peace of mind.

   
   

   Why do we have anxiety and worry?​

   Because there’s a part of us that feels if we worry, then we will pay more attention and if we pay more attention, then we’ll be less likely to make a mistake and if we don’t make a mistake, then we’ll feel more in control of the situation, and by having that sense of control, we’ll have peace of mind.

   
   

   Why do we get angry when driving? ​

   We get angry because there is a part that wants to let other drivers know not to drive like an idiot. And in letting other drivers know, we feel more safe and in control. And in that control, we have more peace of mind.

   
   

   Why do we believe in God?
   Why do we feel bad about not working out?
   Why do we want to learn anything?
   Why do you…

   
   

   And here, you can place literally any “external” goal that you have and most of your “Story-based” (ie. Learned) emotions here.

   
   

   So when I say Peace of Mind, what I mean is that your external goals and story-based emotions are leading you to a place, where if you took them down the path down to its full-on conclusion, would be leading you towards a place where you felt some sense of “Peace of Mind.”

   
   

   Now don’t get me wrong, you might name this “Peace of Mind” as something else like Happiness, or Love, or Contentedness, or Being Chill, or whatever else your inner world is using to describe “Peace of Mind,” but at the end, it’s that inner sensation that all your goals and emotions are leading you towards.

   
   

   With those notes in mind, let’s get back to The Cycle of Change.

   
   

   The Cycle of Change ​

   ​When your Life is Disrupted and Change is Forced Upon You, the hardest thing to do is to Accept that Change.

   
   

   Acceptance is the hardest part, not necessarily because you don’t want to “accept” it, but because your body and brain are literally trying to catch up to something that it doesn’t recognize.

   
   

   Those pathways in your brain that have been built up, sometimes over years and decades, now has to come to terms with a different reality and your body and brain are thrown off.

   
   

   The fact remains though, that you can’t deal with a Changed Situation until you accept that change has occurred.

   
   

   This is your new reality and the pain and heartache that may come along for the ride, doesn’t mean that you have to like the change, simply that you can accept it as this new reality.

   
   

   Because it is only when you’ve done that, can you start seeing potential solutions to that pain and heartache.

   
   

   It is only when you’ve accepted there is no going back to the way things were, can you start to work through this second phase of the Change Cycle: Destabilization.
   In other words, you don’t have to like it, but you do have to accept it.

   
   

   Acceptance is the first step in being able to work through things.

   
   

   On the other hand, when it comes to Self-Initiated Change, the hardest aspect is that the excitement or “rewards” that you get from what you currently do will not be matched by this new behavior, often for some time.

   
   

   Usually there’s a learning curve.

   
   

   The typical way this phase works is that you have to put in MORE work, for LESS reward, for an unspecified amount of time, before you finally start to see rewards that are comparable to what you’re currently doing.

   
   

   This is why Eating Healthier can be so hard.

   
   

   You currently know that if you eat a doughnut, you will get an instant reward that doesn’t require much work.

   
   

   When you start to eat healthier on a consistent basis, what you are in essence saying is that, “I will choose this harder route for less rewards.”

   
   

   And you will have to continue doing so, time and time again, over and over again.
   Until one day, maybe a few weeks from now, maybe 6 months, maybe 3 years from now, you actually look forward to that healthy meal, as being more rewarding than the doughnut.

   
   

   It is this middle passage of De-Stabilization that causes to many people to give up on their goals.

   
   

   The key here, is to manage expectations.

   
   

   When Life forces Change upon you, the best thing you can do, if the situation truly is not changeable, is to quickly accept this new reality - no matter how shitty it is.

   
   

   On the other hand, when You Initiate Changes in your life, the best thing you can do is Expect for it to suck - a lot, and for a long time.

   

   The reason for this is because Happiness = Reality minus Expectations.

   
   

   If you expect something to be great and it’s only good, you’re disappointed.
   But if you expect something to be bad and it’s good or even just alright, you’re happy.

   
   

   Therefore, if you’re going to Initialize a Change in your life, if you Expect it to be Bad for a long time, then when it’s bad for only a short time, or if it’s only ‘ehh’, but not bad, you’re in a better place to continue the change. You will be happier because you managed your expectations.

   
   

   On the other hand, if you expect it to be easy and quick, what happens when it’s not?
   You stop. You say, “This sucks.”

   
   

   Yeah, it does...But you should’ve expected it to.

   
   

   Because this second step - the De-Stabilization is meant to suck.
   It’s you learning and growing.

   
   

   You are like a toddler learning to walk with this new thing, and not only do you not expect to fall, but you’re expecting to be able to sprint with efficiency and have fun doing it? You’re setting yourself up for failure when you expect Change to be easy or short.

   
   

   But if you can expect it to suck and be long, but still make the choice to do it, holy shit, you’re giving yourself a much more powerful force for continuing with the Changes needed over the long-term.

   
   

   The Pitfall that Can Throw Both Types of Change Off ​

   The one Pitfall that can throw off both types of change is this belief or expectation: “When it’s all said and done, things will go back to the way they once were.”
   Fuuuuck.

   
   

   Unfortunately, change just doesn’t work that way.

   
   

   Life, time, and the world doesn’t move backwards (well, unless you’re Republicans trying to block human rights).

   
   

   The key here is to know that you can only move forward.

   
   

   You can’t rewind and you can’t relive.

   
   

   This doesn’t mean you can’t remember, because you should.
   You can remember the good and even the bad.

   
   

   But life inexorably moves forward.

   
   

   So with both types of Change you have to realize that at the end of this “De-Stabilization” process, whether Self-Initiated or Forced from life, that you will be at a different place and that you may be a different person.

   
   

   If you can accept that you can be different, accept that life moves forward, accept the hand that life has dealt you, and expect that the change will suck for a while, then you have the ability to end up in that new place, in an improved way.

   
   

   You will be changed either way.

   
   

   The question is, will you be changed for the worse or for the better?

   
   

   That choice, and really only that choice, is up to you determined by how you choose to eventually interpret the situation and your place in it, and the actions you choose.

   
   

   The Goal ​

   The goal of both types of Change is simple:

   ​To end up in a new place - The “Re-Stabilization” of you in a better and improved place - Eventually.

   
   

   The key word in that whole sentence is eventually.

   
   

   This means, when life has forced you into Change, know that eventually you can be in a better place, but that the timeline to be in that better place, isn’t the same for everyone.

   
   

   Eventually, might be a few months from the change, and eventually for someone else might be a few years from now.

   
   

   Two Quick Notes on This:​

   ​1. You will be in an improved place, means YOU - not your life. Your life might be worse off because of a change, but in making it through, you can learn new skills, change what you thought was possible of yourself, and find a way to carry on. Which leads to...

   
   

   ​2. This does not mean you will see this Change as advantageous to your life, ever. You can still wish it never happened, accept it, and you gain new skills.

   
   

   So yes, the best thing you can do is to Accept the New Reality, but NOT expect to be in an improved place by a certain timeline, or throughout the whole process.

   
   

   In fact, during the process, the growth is often coming from the struggle.

   ​
   It will be within the struggle that you are forced to grow, to improve in different ways, not in ways that you had utilized in the past, that leads to that “improved place - eventually.”

   
   

   During Self-Initiated change, the best thing you can do is expect it to suck, not as a way of torture or a “negative mindset” or any bullshit like that, but instead, very simply because you know it’s going to require more work, more effort (again, effort is the ONLY way any one improves, ever), for less rewards.

   
   

   And it is on that journey of BE-coming, that you will eventually get to that improved place - eventually.

   
   

   The goal is to - Eventually - Be at an improved place, because of the effort that you have to put in to get to that improved and new place of “Re-Stabilization.” This new “normal.”

   
   

   The Tools Needed to Weather the Storm of “De-Stabilization” whether Self-Initiated or Forced by Life ​

   Thus far I’ve basically said that when using Self-Directed change, expect the change to suck and to do so for a long-time. Also, when Change is Forced from life, the best thing you can do, when you recognize that you can’t do anything about it (meaning it's irreversible), is to Accept it.

   
   

   

   Then for both types of change, the next key is to recognize that you can and will end up in a New Place, that you won’t go back to the way things were, and that with effort, and time, and more effort, you can end up in an improved place - eventually.

   
   

   With that said, when people say “accept” something, that sounds like all you have to do is “accept” something.

   
   

   So easy, right? No.

   
   

   That’s stupid (evidently, I can’t “accept” that people just have to “accept things” as a way to “accept things” without practice - so meta. Anyway.).

   
   

   Acceptance is not that “easy,” and in fact, without knowing how to practice acceptance, it can feel damn-near close to impossible.

   
   

   So then How Do You Practice “Acceptance” and Do So on a Regular Basis?​

   People only get better at what they put practice and effort into.

   
   

   Some people may start at a better place than others, but you can only improve with practice and effort.

   
   

   In Self-Confidence U, we start with the two most powerful tools of Acceptance that I know.

   
   

   These Tools start with the two areas most under your control:

   A. Acceptance of the “Conflicts” within Your Self, and
   B. Acceptance of Your Emotions.

   
   

   The first 4 Weeks of “Acceptance” work on the Stories you have.

   
   

   The 'Stories" of Who You Are and the Rules of Life, are just that - Stories.

   
   

   They are Stories that tell you how to act in the world. They might feel "right" and like they are facts to you, but they are none-the-less, Stories.

   
   

   As such, the question is to “Find the Storyteller” within and simply ask it what it wants. When you get an answer, allot it to imagine getting what it wants, and keep asking what it wants, until you get to what I said any goal and emotion wants - “Peace of Mind.”

   
   

   The key here is very simply to know three things: ​

4. Everything you want, has a positive intention.

   
   

5. Knowing something wants Peace of Mind and actually feeling that Peace of Mind are two different things. But if you can actually feel that Peace of Mind on a consistent basis, now, can be life altering.

   
   

   ​3. By allowing that Part (that “Storyteller”) to have what it wants, no matter what it wants, without judgment, you are practicing Acceptance of the most important thing you will need to Accept - all the Parts of Your Self.

   
   

   Tool #1: Movie of the Mind Exercise ​

   It’s almost so simple when explained, but so many people have a hard time doing these 5 Steps:

6. Find in your Body where your desire or emotion is
7. Ask it what it wants
8. Imagine yourself getting what it wants
9. Ask what it will want to do, experience, or feel after that.
10. Repeat Steps 3 and 4 until it doesn’t want anything else.

    
    

    There are a few of pitfalls that may occur (for example, other “Storytellers” saying you can’t have that, not allowing yourself to imagine getting what it wants, etc) by asking these questions (which is why it takes 4 of 12 weeks to learn), but it really is that simple.

    
    

    When you can do this on a consistent basis, you are practicing Acceptance, on a consistent basis.

    
    

    You are practicing one of the most important Steps of All of Change, especially change that is OUTSIDE your direct control, on a consistent basis.

    
    

    Tool #2: Emotional Surfing ​

    The second tool is the Main Part of weeks 5 through 8.

    
    

    This Tool is called Emotional Surfing, and it’s being able to sit and “Surf” every aspect of an Emotion for 2 minutes each.

    
    

    Every Aspect of an Emotion can best be remembered through the acronym SUSIN:​

    S: Sensations
    U: Urges
    S: Stories (or Thoughts that pop up in your head)
    I: Interpretations (your “interpretation" of those Sensations, Urges, and Stories into a “feeling” of sad, angry, happy, etc)
    N: Needs (the Needs that are or are not being met in that moment for you)

    
    

    Can you sit with that full range of an emotion for 2 minutes each?

    
    

    As you do, so, can you notice those sensations and urges and stories without having to act, and how does it change and shift by observing it, without judgment?

    
    

    Can you sit with those feelings and discover what lies under certain emotions, as you’re sitting there, not trying to change them? Can you recognize what needs are, or are not, being met for you, which are spurring those Sensations again?

    
    

    By doing so you can then start to better communicate what you might Need, without blaming someone outside for your feelings, because you recognize the feeling is coming from your unmet Needs?

    
    

    This is not easy, but this is why I also give you other tools to deal with overwhelm from Mind and Body-Based Tools and we start with something like a 4, 5, 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, so you can learn to Ride and Surf these emotions.

    
    

    By doing so, again, what are you really doing?

    You’re practicing Acceptance.

    
    

    You’re learning you can accept your emotions, and instead of needing to act on them, you are learning how to have them, accept them, and actually learn and improve your life, by experiencing them, by accepting them.

    
    

    There are so many other Tools also present throughout the Self-Confidence U program, but those other Tools are geared towards changing your Emotional State, or the actions you take.

    
    

    Yet, all long-term change starts with Acceptance and with the ability to recognize that the journey won’t necessarily be Easy.

    
    

    If you can do that, if you can practice acceptance of your Self, with Tools where you can actually practice acceptance on a consistent basis, as opposed to “just doing it,” (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean) then you are setting yourself up for being able to better deal with whatever life were to throw at you - either Self-Initiated Change gone wrong, or Forced Change knocking you off the path you had planned for.

    
    

    This doesn’t mean you won’t get knocked off.

    
    

    It does mean you’ll have Tools to better help pick your Self back up.

    These are Tools I think every person needs, at any, and all, points of their life.

    

    If you have any questions or comments for me, please feel free to let me know.
    Cheers!
    J. Damien